Becoming a man . . . mazel tov

What does that even mean?  Is it the physical appearance when a child morphs into an adult?  Is it by thoughts, deeds, actions, words?  Is it the first time when the peach-fuzz turns to whiskers and are ripe for removal?  It is the confluence of all of these and then some.

Recently, my man-child walked through the door of mechanical exfoliating the child-fuzz that has been part of his face since he was young.  This very banal and commonplace ritual sparks the immediate loss of childhood for me in a way that rattles my bones.

Compared to other first rituals such as losing teeth, a first kiss, losing virginity, it is all weighted the same in my eyes.  They are steps along the road to adulthood that I am so ill prepared for.  I think that this is so hard because he is my only, my one, and also I have struggled with confidence that he feels the same way about me.

However, with the loss of the soft fuzzy hair came an understanding that I have been longing for.  He does see me as his only and his one.

While the stress of separation and homesickness has caused him to feel many emotions, he wrote with clarity about his connection to me--his mother.  He knows and feels the depths of my love and commitment to him; he feels the unconditional love and acceptance; he has a safety net when times get tough; and is secure to make mistakes without rejection and judgement.  It is what we all wish for with our children and mine was able to express it to me.

As we walk along the path from child to man and the bumps punch the air out of our lungs, it is good to  feel the exhale as if it is our first breath of life.


If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And which is more; you'll be a Man, my son!
If  . . .  Rudyard Kipling

One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Sometimes, the opposite can be true.  These past couple months have been more "one small step for mankind, one giant for [a] man.  My young man.


For many parents, evidence of learning, development, and progress are important benchmarks that are usually tied to their child. Sometimes these are obvious by a grade on a test, a mastery of a sport, but there are times when you are shown success and progress in understated and quiet ways.


Having just spent four days with my young man, he showed me new aspects of his life and his psyche.  When your child grows to look at you in your face and there is no difference between height and weight--we must see them in a new light.  When changes affect hair, face, body, and voice--then we must see them in a new light.  When ideas, thoughts, feelings, and beliefs become more sophisticated--then we must see them in a new light.


I had the light shine on me and it was sublime.  I basked in that light as if I was coming out of a dark and grey hibernation.  I can't say that adolescence is like a walk along the Seine across from the Pont des Arts, however the feeling of truly watching your child blossom into a young adult is pretty illuminating.


There will be tussles, tugs, tears, and turmoil, but as you walk through this time in their life with them (and promise not embarrass at the same time) your relationship deepens.  Hopefully they see you as a resource, a support, a net to fall into.  They know your love for them is deeper than even you imagined.  


And they tell you as such.  
And you know they mean it.


In turn, they give something of themselves to you.  They don't know that they are doing this, and please, don't tell them.  But they give you a glimpse into their future.  They share with you a burgeoning adult who can articulate who they are, what they stand for, who moves them and why.  They begin to articulate this in words, deeds, and gestures.


Shhh. . . .  Be quiet, be still, and don't move quickly.  Or you will miss the quiet moments when the young man lets his guard down and allows you to be part of his world.  Just for those moments--he is still yours.

Finish the sentence, "Never Underestimate the Power of . . ."

I leave you to fill in the blank here.  For each of us, this sentence is wide open.  Right now, for me, it seems to be "a good cry."  During this transitional time, the day is filled with what are pre and post deluge.  I know that I have created a dream team of supportive folks who can carry me along, lifting me up and over the bumps.  But there is something deeply satisfying about balling your eyes out.

Driving while doing this has prompted others who share the road with me both worry and concern.  As my eyes are filled with tears, and the redness around them look like I have advanced liver disease, I shoot them a big smile with two thumbs up and they drive away slightly confused between the tears running down my face and universal indicator of all is good.  A mixed message if ever there was one.

I have learned a lot about the power and strength of the human heart.  I often wonder if the waterworks will ever stop, or if this is just like seasonal allergies, only to repeat when the conditions are ripe to play the heartstrings and then pull them until they snap hard against the skin.

I use the sentence prompt in the title of this blog as a way to understand the psychological assessment, "Sentence Completion Test".  This standard projective test is a telling one to see what individuals are thinking about when prompted.  Sentence completion tests typically provide respondents with beginnings of sentences, referred to as “stems,” and respondents then complete the sentences in ways that are meaningful to them. The responses are believed to provide indications of attitudes, beliefs, motivations, or other mental states.

I know each of us will have answers that vary depending on our situations, however, let me ask you, how different you think your answer would be to somebody struggling in their life?

Sample questions are:
1) If only I could only...
2) People I know....
3) I can always...
4) I think guys....
5) What makes me sad is...
6) I think girls...
7) Compared with my father...
8) Where I live....
9. My mother was the type....
10) My health is...
11) I am scared to...
12) People would like me better if I...
13) It is hard to resist the temptation to...
14) It's a shame that parents...
15) It feels like punishment when...

So when you feel like you just need to have a good cry, maybe ask yourself some open-ended questions and see where it takes you.  I can tell you, "What makes me sad is  . . ." is not the question I would like to start with.  

Lastly, let me give you a test.  Which image below is a piece of art, and which is a projective test? Sometimes reality and fantasy are very close cousins.

Images:
Kara Walker "Cut", (1998)
Kara Walker "You Do" (1993/94)
Rorschach Test Blog No. 3 (1921)