Ok - I am jumping into the deep end with this. Not only am I conflicted about what I have to say (nor not say) but really, who needs another blog? I will try my best to do the following:
1. Not kvetch for kvetching sake.
2. Try to bring some levity to a very difficult and frequently, not very funny time, in a kids life.
3. Listen to others constructive advice, support, and feedback.
Sit back and enjoy the ride, and know that I am certainly the worst possible passenger in the car.
Turning 12 and hitting adolescence at 100 mph. Yes, the fun-loving, costume-wearing, very active little boy has cross the bridge into nowhere land called adolescence. His outbursts are far more pointed, as when he told me the reason he flushed my very nice ring with the pink tourmaline stone down the toilet was "payback".
Payback for what you ask? Payback for being told that I am the most stupid person on the planet (being that stupid is really pretty freeing at this point in life). Payback for terrible vacations, rage and anger? Payback for understanding that I will never really know what part is nature vs. nurture in raising a child who was born from another woman's body?
Payback for being a mother who may have just made the biggest decision of taking hold of her life and finding a small slice of happiness, just like the small slice of cake very skinny women eat? Of course, all of it is only part of the whole. The whole, as we like to say, the "whole child" is far more complicated. But only slightly more complicated than setting the VCR to record.
I really believe that we live a life filled with karma. You give good karma and at some point it comes back to you like a boomerang from space. You never know if you will be alive to experience the karma coming back, but the giving feels great.
We give good karma to so many in different ways--small, big, boldly, quietly, etc. Yet, as I grow older I think that the karma I give is more like compost. Broken pieces, littered ends, cut off natural parts that if turned frequently, it will result is good material to help something grow. Or at least that is how I see my karmic life.
I saw the flushing of the ring as a brief blip of the karmic circle. No, it did not come back up as was asked by many friends, but the ring was only a "thing". Nobody lost a life, a love, a breast, a wife, a mother. It was only a "thing" that my son thought I would miss and subsequently be terribly hurt. Yet, what he didn't know was that his thoughts were the only hurt. I could care less about the ring.
We struggle to create meaning in our lives 24/7, but this meaning making is far too familiar to the adolescence I had. I was terrible. I was mean. I made my mother miserable. I have since apologized to those who still walk the earth and I hope that those who have left us know how sad I feel for how I treated them. And now, I am walking down memory lane with memories I had thought I had purged and cleansed. I guess I still have work to do . . . .
Like making pie crust, until you have made your hundredth pie, you really don't know what you are doing.
Here's something that really can't disappoint after spending time with an adolescent.